Judicial Bullshit

What's all this I hear about liberal activist judges? The only judges we seem to have in my home state are discriminatory hypocrites [cf], who seem content to wrap their biases in black robes.

Florida remains the only state in the union that bans gay men and lesbians from adopting children. Way to go, judges! Way to go, attorneys for the state! How pleased you must be to know that future generations will look back upon you with the same disgust that people today look back upon Bull Connor [cf] and George Wallace [cf]!

In their case, the state's lawyers (a) asserted that the state has a right to create laws reflecting its moral opposition to homosexuality, and (b) stated that the state aims only to place children with married heterosexual couples.

The state is, in fact, dead wrong on both counts. Anti-gay legislation like Florida's adoption ban will not survive a legal challenge, thanks to the Supreme Court's landmark Lawrence v. Texas decision last year. And the state negates its own argument about the need to limit adoption to heterosexual married couples on a regular basis: it allows gay men and lesbians to be foster parents, and it permits single straight people to adopt children.

I await the day when all of these hypocrites are put in their proper place, and when all of these roadblocks to equal rights are swept away by the hand of justice.

Yes, I know it may be a long wait. But it will be a sweet victory.

Tonight At 11 ...

Watching the evening news in my home town, I'm reminded by what former CBS news executive Fred Friendly said about TV: "Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done." Too true.

Thought For The Day

"I can only hope that the court soon will reconsider its analysis and conclude that depriving individuals of the right to choose for themselves how to conduct their intimate relationships poses a far greater threat to the values most deeply rooted in our nation's history than tolerance of nonconformity could ever do." -- Supreme Court Justice Harry A. Blackmun (1900-1999), from his dissenting opinions in Bowers v. Hardwick, the ruling that upheld Georgia's sodomy law.

The Bowers v. Hardwick decision was overturned last year by the Lawrence v. Texas decision.

My Book Proposal

If I were to write a book called Idiots I Have Worked For, it would be about a thousand pages long, and the two morons who currently sit over me on the corporate ladder would have their own chapters. As we're playing the anonymity game here, let's protect their identities by calling them Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

As a distance, Tweedle Dumb looks like a popsicle stick wearing clothes: rigid, pale, flat. Get closer and you'll see the skinny neck, the jutting forehead, the missing chin, the permanent frown on his face. From here, you can't help but think that he looks like either a bird or a spoon, but you can't quite put your finger on the reason why. Perhaps it's the sharp nose and dark eyes that evoke the image of the bird. Maybe it's the nonexistent chin on top of the broad face that brings to mind the concave part of the spoon. You have little time to think things through, though, because whenever you're around Tweedle Dumb, you're on alert. His presence makes you uncomfortable and uneasy. Talking to him is like trying to negotiate with someone who's strapped a block of dynamite to his chest: you might be able to reason with the man, but you must presume that you're speaking with a lunatic who may decide to dispense with reason on a whim. And you don't want to be around for the explosion.

Tweedle Dumber is easier to describe: just imagine a hippopotamus wearing Bill Cosby's sweaters. Tweedle Dumber doesn't inflict damage because he's cruel, but because he's stupid and proud and sometimes has a temper. He's not a bad guy; he's just a bad manager. Like a big dog, Tweedle Dumber will sometimes listen to reason, and will sometimes misbehave without any provocation.

This is my world from nine to five. Actually, more like from eight to seven. Pity me.

Hey Batter Batter Batter!

Professional baseball player + gay porn film = Delicious scandal [cf]. Thanks for pointing out the story, P.

Another Reason To Hate Ohio, Besides The Buckeyes

Ohio legislators have just passed the nation's most descriminatory Defense of Marriage Act. Of course, all such laws are descriminatory, but what make's Ohio's so despiciable is that it even bans domestic partner benefits for employees of state agencies. Ha ha ha, Ohio lawmakers are saying, not only are we going to deny you equal rights, but we're also going to deny some of our hardworking employees equal benefits.

On behalf of gay men and lesbians everywhere, let me be the first to say: FUCK YOU, OHIO LEGISLATORS.

It turns out that Ohio's law might prevent the state from attracting and retaining top talent in its public universities [link]. The message here is pretty obvious: Ohio values the whims of the religious right over the needs of its higher education system.

The Sanctity Of Marriage

The sanctity of marriage? THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE? Who the hell do all these sanctimonious conservatives think they're fooling? All this talk about outlawing gay unions and amending the constitution has nothing to do with protecting the institution of marriage. It's about discrimination, plain and simple. It's about denying equal rights to an entire group of Americans because they're different than everyone else.

None of the arguments against gay civil marriage holds any weight. No right-winger can successful argue how a gay civil marriage would hurt them personally, or hurt their family, or their community. And the religious right's rallying cry -- morality! -- is as hollow as George W. Bush's head. Discrimination disguised as moral superiority did not stop the suffrage movement, the Civil Rights Movement, or preserve laws against interracial marriage -- and it will not stop gay civil marriage from taking root in our country.

The religious right is steamed because gay civil marriage is coming and THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT. The Massachusetts ruling opens the door to gay marriage this year, and the Constitution's full faith and credit clause will force the Supreme Court to wipe all those "Defense of Marriage Act" laws off the books. The genie is almost out of the bottle, and there's no way to stuff him back in. Hallelujah! It's about time!

If the religious right were really concerned about the institution of marriage, Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra wouldn't have been allowed to wed. These religious hypocrites should spend more time worrying about their own marriages than trying to block other peoples'.

I believe gay civil marriage will be the best thing that ever happened to marriage. Gay men and lesbians often represent the first wave of neighborhood gentrification; perhaps we can fix up an institution that straight men and women have seemed to ignore for much too long.

In the meantime, gay men and lesbians need to show our enemies that we're serious. I propose a boycott: no participation in straight marriages until we're given equal rights. Imagine a straight wedding without gay men to plan the event, arrange the flowers, design the wedding dress, tailor the tuxedos, lay out the invitations, plan the menu and cater the reception -- and, in some cases, to perform the service. No gay men means no cater-waiters. Straight America would come crawling back to us on its hands and knees, begging for forgiveness.

Whatever it takes.

More About Monkeys And Shakespeare

If you are truly interested in the mathematical implications of monkeys, typewriters and William Shakespeare, look here.

Monday Haiku

Boss: Out to get me
Coke machine: Ate my dollar
What a shitty day

A Word About The Title

If you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the saying goes, they will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare.

Here, in the dark recesses of the Logorrhea Underground, we don't aspire to barddom -- we just want to just want to spread a little truth and some much needed wit with the world. We disdain anonymity, but we have been forced underground by the Man and relentless band of pointy-haired henchpeople.

Our mission is laudable, but resources are limited and time is short. If an infinite number of monkeys with no deadline can deliver Shakespeare, this blog is what two monkeys might produce in 10 minutes.

Enjoy.